The End Of September

And thus ends September,
And Summer’s last ember
Still flickers and glows,
The colour of an autumn leaf,
As the river of Seasons flows
Into the Firth of Time,
With all our hopes and grief.

I have no idea where that came from, my head is often full of words, and sometimes those words come together. The first line just popped up in my head this afternoon, and the moment I wrote it down, the second line came straight to me. I wrote the rest in a few minutes, so it is a bit rough, but considering it was written in about ten minutes, I’m fairly pleased with it…

And the cancer circus fun goes on and on…

And so an update on this evil, awful, bastard of a year: the cancer treatment is still ongoing, months later, which is, as you can imagine, incredibly depressing and demoralising. Back towards the end of July I had the last of the seriously awful, three hour IV chemotherapy sessions, where basically poison is pumped through your body, making your feel dreadful, buggering up healthy cells as well as the cancerous ones (it’s a blunderbuss weapon compared to a sniper rifle), ruining your immune system, white blood cell count and attacking your nervous system. It is also cumulative, so each session felt worse than the preceding one, and the recovery time took longer. So I am very glad to get that bit done.

It was a combination therapy of those long IV poisoning torture sessions and two weeks of highly toxic pills (eight a day), so nasty you are told not to touch them, pop them from the blister right into a cup then swallow. So they are so bad you shouldn’t touch them, but you are to ingest them… Yes, welcome to cancer care, where all the medicine is a fucking poison…

After the last IV session I had two more weeks on the pills, then an appointment with the oncologist after that in early August, so I fairly naturally assumed that was going to be the “it’s all done meeting”. Was it hell. Nope, she said she thought I needed further treatment to be sure. Quite demoralising, as you may imagine, when you think after eight months (since being sent for scans to diagnosis to surgery to recovery enough to then undergo brutal chemo) thank god it is done… And it isn’t. Thought perhaps another couple of weeks, oh no, four more sessions they said, each being two weeks of pills and a week to recover then repeat. Which takes me to the end of October. Oh, and the pills now go up to ten a day.

Brutalist Care
(the weird, Brutalist-inspired architecture of the cancer centre at the Western General)

So that took what little wind was in my sails off to the land of nothing good. Frankly it left me so bloody miserable that what I thought was over wasn’t even nearly over. I was in today for yet another poison session, and this time they upped the bloody meds to now twelve a day, ye gods. Because I have recovered some of the weight loss during the cancer and surgery time when I struggled to eat, and of course meds are often calculated according to size, mass etc. I understand that, but it’s still bloody depressing, not just to still be on these, but now on even more.

The thing is, back in August the oncologist, just to make me feel even happier about all this, told me they wanted me to do more on the pills but have to be careful as they will eventually cause irreperable, permanent damage to my body. Swell – stop now and hope it is all gone and not going to come back, or take months more of the toxic pills and hope it doesn’t destroy the healthy parts of your body. What sort of choice is that for anyone to have to make??? So today when they upped the level of these damaging drugs, I was understandably upset and concerned, so the specialist talked to me for a while.

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End of the day, what bloody choice do I have but to continue with this horrible, toxic regime? But I am long since past the end of my fucking tether, frankly. I’ve had enough, more than enough, of this miserable time, and I still have weeks more of it to endure, now at an even higher level of dosage. If the oncologist in November tells me anything other than it’s all fine and done, they will hear me screaming in every fucking parellel dimension. I’ve gotten so tired of it all now I don’t even keep up hope or faith that it will be finished then or not.

And frankly, even if it finally is done this time, I can’t imagine any sense of relief, just weary resignation, because bastard cancer is never, ever really over. You will worry the rest of your life about it coming back. Every time you feel odd, or ill, you will worry it is the cancer cells returning, destroying you from within. Yes, they will scan me regularly for just that sort of thing, I know (the level of care has been incredible, bless our NHS and its staff), but still, no sense of rejoicing, just a tired appreciation that the treatment is done for now, but always wondering at the back of your mind what if it comes back?

Very, very, very tired; that’s going to be pretty much a full year of this now, and I’m worn down by it all.

Autumn calls

Autumn is not quite here fully yet, the trees are still mostly leafed in greenery, but more and more gold and brown leaves are showing, the pavements have more fallen leaves creating a crunching carpet underfoot. It may not be quite here yet, but autumn is knocking on summer’s door. I don’t mind – autumn in our northern kingdom, on a nice day, creates the most glorious colours, illuminated by a sunlight that is stretched out now to a soft, golden copper. Gorgeous.

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Autumn Is Knocking On The Door 01

Fringe After Dark

The Fringe after dark…

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Coming out of a Fringe show at the Teviot (the student union building for Edinburgh Uni, which resembles the Edinburgh branch of Hogwarts), I took some time to walk around Bristo Square and nearby George Square after dark, the area busy and lit up with food stalls and vans and housing temporary performance venues for many Fringe shows.

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Hiya, Pals

(above: “Hiya, Pals!” – Fringe banner hanging off Teviot at night during the festival. Below: McEwan Hall, where my graduation ceremony took place a lifetime ago, lit up during the festival)

McEwan Hall At The Fringe

EIFF 2026 – The Arrow at Rest At Every Instant of its Flight

EIFF 2026 – The Arrow at Rest at Every Instant of its Flight,
Directed by Theodore Schaefer,
Starring Constance Shulman, Daniel Zolghadri, Gus Birney, Jack Haven, John Early, Roberta Colindrez

The 79th Edinburgh International Film Festival – the oldest, continually running film festival on the planet – kicked off late this week, as Edinburgh embraces its traditional August festival frenzy (the International Festival and Fringe are already going, the Book Festival opens this weekend, it’s insane how many shows and events there are in our compact city in August). Late last night was my first screening for the 2026 edition of the EIFF, and it was a world premiere, no less! Theodore Schaefer brought us a hugely enjoyable Indie flick, with a very long title: The Arrow at Rest at Every Instant of its Flight.

That mouthful of a title likely refers to one of Zeno’s paradoxes (recorded by Aristotle), which considered the flight of an arrow, something seemingly swift, but, he argued, at any given instant that arrow occupies a fixed space and therefore, within that instant it is not really moving. Given Arrow’s Raymond Carver-style series of individual short narratives, which then start to overlap, this seems appropriate, as, through the various characters and their individual narratives we are seeing individual slices of time, moments offered up for observation, but also, of course, able by the end to see an entire tale, like stepping back from a close look at a detail on a tapestry to take in the entire thing.

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(director Theodore Schaefer, co-writer Patrick Lawler, and actor Jack Haven, talking with the film fest crowd after the screening, pic from my Flickr, click for the larger versions on my Flick stream)

There are three main stories here, at first seemingly not connected, although eventually we will see the threads pulling them together. The woman with a suitcase (Constance Schulman), is possibly the closest to the philosophical arrow of Zeno, in that we glimpse her repeatedly throughout the film, starting with confusing glimpses of her in various spots around the city. Sitting on a bench, by the river, passing a building. Each time, to her shock she sees someone else – passing in a car, leaning out of an apartment window – who looks exactly like her. These form the opening, intercut with rapid scene changes, interspersed with fast-moving glimpses of New York, set to a jazz score, mirroring the Suitcase Woman’s own confusion at what is going on, and reinforcing the central idea that what we interpret as a grander narrative is really made up of frozen moments of time (not unlike analogue film itself, single frames, each capturing a split second of time, then run at speed to create what we see as a moving image).

In the main strands we see a pair of younger people, including Violet (Gus Birney), bored with their lack of prospects, working in an arcade, dreaming of some way out, even if it involves committing a crime, while in another, we see a woman, Sinopia (Gus Birney again), a professor, in the middle of an affair, but questioning her life and her choices, especially of her committing to her fiancée for a possible wedding. The final main strand sees Jade (Birney again, really earning her pay here!), this time a hustler, a gambler and a pickpocket, but one with a conscience – after picking some wallets in a busy bar she finds one with a suicide note in it, and follows the person she lifted it from, in an attempt to help.

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Arrow is one of those films where summarising some of the plot really doesn’t do it justice, however. This is one of those little jewels that Indie cinema sometimes offers up to movie lovers, it’s a film to experience. Not that the overlapping structure of the stories isn’t important, but it’s more about experiencing it and the way the different angles of the different stories keep changing our expectations and our notion of what is happening, which I found very satisfying (I’m sure some might find it annoying, but it worked beautifully for me).

Director Schaefer, co-writer Patrick Lawler and actor Jack Haven (who you may recall from the excellent I Saw the TV Glow, which I reviewed here previously), were on hand to chat to the audience after the premiere, and their talk reinforced the impression I had from the film itself, that this was a labour of love. Shot on 16mm film stock, giving it a grainy edge with its black and white film, and the jazz score, the fast-moving intercut scenes of the city between events, it reminded me very much of a lot of avant-garde films from the 1960s and 70s, when film-makers were playing with what you could do with the medium.

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And indeed at the after-film talk, Schaefer confirmed that they were very much inspired by those older films from the 60s and 70s US indie scene, French New Wave and especially some from Eastern Europe, such as the Czech New Wave, while the choice of analogue 16mm, black and white film with the jazz score just suits the New York location perfectly. An absolute delight for Indie film fans.

This review was originally penned for Live For Films

Double Selfie

I’m not much of one for a selfie, I generally prefer to stay on the other side of the camera lens, although I noticed I have taken more in recent months while going through my cancer treatment (no idea why, just have). I did like this one though – Stephanie and I were enjoying the annual West End Craft Fair, which is in the burial ground of Saint John’s Church (buy some nice, handmade earrings next to the tomb of Ebeneezer McCurdie, died 1838!).

Double Selfie

Stephanie realised she had bought something from this crafter the year before, and they were chatting away. I noticed the oval mirror hanging to the side and just thought we could get a double mirror selfie with that. I couldn’t really see the camera screen properly and look at the mirror at the same time, so the framing is a bit off, but nonetheless, I like this pic.

Fringe Time Approaches

It’s nearly August once more, and in Edinburgh that means the insane frenzy of the festivals: the Edinburgh International Festival, the Edinburgh Festival Fringe, the Edinburgh International Book Festival and the Edinburgh International Film Festival, joining the Arts Festival and the already-running Edinburgh Jazz and Blues Festival.

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It’s unbelievably busy – Edinburgh, as you might expect, is pretty full of visitors year-round, and especially in the spring and summer months, but then add the festival season on top of it, and it bursts at the seams. Simple things like trying to get across town becomes an exercise in frustration for locals trying to get to appointments or work, because the sheer numbers slow the bus service to a slow treacle trickle in the city centre, adding hugely to journey times. When you are off and can enjoy the sheer energy of the festivals, it’s amazing, when you live here and are trying to get to work or to a hospital appointment and it takes twice as long, that’s a bit different!

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I was walking home from my book group the other evening, through Bristo Square at Edinburgh University. Normally an open space (often filled with skateboarders as well as students and tourists), it was now being set up for the Fringe with temporary venues for food, drink and box offices, while nearby George Square Gardens is filled with temporary theatre structures. It was a rare rainy night – after a lot more hot, sunny weather than we normally get in Scotland, this was a dreich evening of dark, grey clouds and rain. But as I passed the illuminated Fringe show posters, the rain made the lights and colours reflect on the wet pavement, and it was begging for a few photos, so of course I stopped and stood there in the rain to take some pics.

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Jazz Under the Bridge

Walking with a friend a few days ago, we passed down King’s Stables Road, which runs around the west of Castle Rock, then passes under the King’s Bridge, right below the Castle. The bridge is an old, stone structure, with a long, tunnel-like arch, and this saxophonist was playing some cool jazz under it.

Jazz Under The Bridge

I’ve seen some musicians play here before, including another jazz player (possibly the same chap) – it isn’t the best for busking in terms of footfall, compared to nearby streets, but the acoustics of that long, stone arch are incredible, especially to an instrument like a sax. And it makes for a cool pic…

Flower Power

This week I knew I had my (hopefully) final chemotherapy session (although I still have weeks on the horrible, toxic pills). On Monday the weather was gorgeous, so after going for the blood tests I have to do two days befor each chemo poison torture session, I went for a walk, got lunch, then walked more, and then more. All the way from Gorgie to Haymarket, to the West End of the New Town, then Saint Cuthbert’s and Princes Street Gardens (where I found to my delight the Nepali Scottish Mela was taking place), then round King’s Stables Road to the Grassmarket, West Port, then the Meadows and finally a well-earned seat in Cloisters for a rest, drink and read my book.

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(Above: I was really pleaased with the way the focus turned out on this shot, the foreground sharp, the background in soft focus – this effect is called ‘bokeh’ – and the contrasting colours. There’s even a wee bee on a flower in the foreground. Below: another bokeh shot, the sharp flower in the foreground, the rearwards one in soft, blurred focus giving depth to the shot)

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Of course the camera was also out for its stroll, and the light was so good (half the work done for taking a good pic is having the right light), and I took dozens of photos of everything, from street photography of people to architecture to flowers. Lots and lots of flowers, as it turned out.

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(wee bee nestling inside a flower on the lower right)

I make no apology, the light made the colurs so vibrant, I kept taking more photos, stopping frequently when I saw more. In among this long, waking nightmare of my cancer year, the beautiful light and the colours of the flowers and the buzzing of bees landing on them (you can see some wee busy bees in several pics), all combined to make me feel alive and make me smile and just drink it in (and, me being me, to capture that light and colour in a photograph and share it).

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(For the obvious reasons, I normally shoot in colour for flower pics, but some simply work better in monochrome, especially when they have that strong contrast being partly in the sunlight, partly in shadows. I don’t grayscale in Photoshop, if you see my pic in B&W it means I choose to shoot in B&W, I think the effect works better; also I don’t like monkeying with my photos in Photoshop like a lot of people do these days, I am old-fashioned, I think a photographer should do most of their work through the lens, picking mode, angle, composition as they shoot. That’s what photography is about, capturing what you see, not altering it all afterwards)

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I absolutely tired myself out – my battery charge is very limited as the chemo screws your basic biochemstistry, the thing your body relies on, but it was worth it for a good day when I got to smile, to marvel at the beauty of the world and not think about bloody cancer for a few hours.

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I’m not going to post all of them here – you can, as ever, check them all out on the Woolamaloo Fickr stream (now well north of 30, 000 pictures uploaded!), where you can also view the much larger versions, as well as my many other photos. Hope the flower images brightened up your day a little.

Pale Reflection

Resting after a long walk today, sitting in Cloisters (a favourite pub in an old Parsonage, which opened when I lived in a student flat round the corner, back in the day – our kitty used to follow us to the pub!). I noticed my reflection in this old mirror on the opposite wall of the pub, so naturally I took a snap. An unusual selfie! Pale Ale, pale male…

Pale Reflections

Slo-mo rowing

The slow motion effect on the phone is cool, but I rarely have any real use for it, However, on a recent recovery walk after the latest round of chemotherapy, I saw some of the University rowing team practising on the Union Canal near Harrison Park. So I nipped up onto the bridge and switched into slo-mo mode to capture this:

Vid - Slow Motion Rowing

Apart from the interesting visuals, the sound is also slowed down, so turn the volume up – you can hear passing traffic, birds, the splashes of the oars, but all slowed down, and about halfway through the ding, ding, ding of a passing cycllist’s bell, but here deepened and drawn out by the slow-mo effect, giving an unusual sound.