Free your mind, style monkey

I love this story on Boing Boing – a man bought an Ipod for his daughter for Christmas, but when she opened the box instead of the over-priced product there was a note, written in classic ‘ransom note’ style of cut-up newspaper lettering, reading: “Reclaim your mind from the media’s shackles. Read a book and resurect [sic] yourself. To claim your capitalistic garbage go to your nearest Apple store.” When they returned to the store it transpired others had the same experience. I think if this had happened to me I’d have rather mixed feelings – annoyed but also quite amused at the same time. Mind you it would be more appropriate for the Iphone, really, wouldn’t it? Not that I dislike the product (in fact it looks quite cool), just the mercenary (and anti-competitive) way Apple screw their loyal customers (and also stupid fashion junkie monkeys) with over-inflated costs and tying them to a single service provider, which seems to me to be so anti that freedom Apple was originally supposed to be about…

Those new Apple products

After the recently announced Iphone revealed by a singing and dancing corporate monkey who used to be Steve Jobs and following on from the incredibly successful Ipod, what other products will Apple be creating that the fashionistas need to have to show how individual they all are?

The Iloo: face it, it’s well past time that the smallest room in the house was upgraded. This is the 21st century and yet for most of us the time spent taking care of biological business is time wasted; time we cannot afford out of our busy lives. Yes, with the new Iloo just reading the paper or magazine on the can will be a thing of the past – the Iloo is the intelligent toilet, the savvy lavvy. Wireless broadband connects your smart loo to the web and a suite of communications facilities and analytical software, so your ‘deposits’ are analysed and the result send direct to Dr Gillian McKeith so she can tell you exactly why your lifestyle is worthless as you also have a video phone conference with your friends in the BogSpace site while listening to your MP3s. Unfortunately the high level of DRM Apple will load into the Iloo means that when you take a crap on it your deposists will be studied and copyrighted.

The Iball: Replace your 20th century jelly-filled bio-eyball with the new Iball, giving your Hi-Def vision across several spectrums, streaming video and audio, all on the move. Unfortunately, since the company that was once all about self empowerment through technology but now suckles at the teat of copyright nazis, your Iball comes preloaded with more DRM and restrictive licensing agreements than a corrupt Canadian politician so everything you see will become the property of Apple; should you look at a copyrighted image without permission your Iball will automatically inform the relevant rich lawyer of the movie or music industry as appropriate to sue you.

The I-Spy: an add on for the Iball, which allows you to compare what you see with an online database and upload information via quantum encryption which no-one can break. Except for the various legal authorities Apple agree to give the encryption keys to.

The Icopy: a special device which allows you to use the name of another company’s registered trademark if you feel like it and to laugh off any legal aspects because the other company is just ‘being silly’ while still sucking the arse of the movie, TV and music industry to cripple your new devices with a ton of DRM that treats your customers as if they are all criminals.