Anti-terror training for cats

In response to an earlier comment regarding the training of my cats in anti-terrorism techniques I’m afraid I have to report that this has not gone as well as anticipated. It was thought that with the incredible smell and sound sense of cats, combined with fabulous night vision and incredible reflexes and agility the felines would make perfect counter-terrorism operatives.

This has not proved to be the case. One of the primary obstacles the SAS (Scottish Animal Squad) trainers ran into was the fact that the average domestic mog will happily snooze for up to 18 hours a day. Even when awake and alert the test cats only became interested in the target if the terrorist was dressed up as either a giant mouse or else had a ball of wool hanging from their person. While this latter may be of some use in attacking Al Queda’s Knitting Brigade or the Crotchet Martyrs it is unlikely to be so useful generally.

The other main problem was that the cats were more likely to jump up on the terrorists and demand to have their tummies tickled. While this may distract the mad suicide bomber for a time, it was not seen as a viable, long term programme. The cat anti-terror squad has therefore been cancelled since it seems the felines perform a much better service in keeping citizens relaxed by purring on them and eating their fish. Tests on hedgehog assassins will, however, continue, as will funding for the special Penguin unit.