Those new phone laws

Okay, I guess some of the dimmer phone users out there could probably benefit from a clear-cut list of actions which cannot be performed in your moving vehicle after today.

Phones – no hand-held calls. Hands-free only with head set. Semaphore flags sticking out of the sunroof are also proscribed as of today and smoke signals will ensure you fall foul of both communications laws and emissions regulations.

Cooking – you may no longer use deep fat fryers in you car. Making fresh bread in your on-board oven plugged into the cigar lighter is also a no-no and even the portable microwave may only be used when stopped with the engine off.

You may no longer balance your laptop on the dashboard to play a quick round of Halo while stuck in traffic jams.

Shaving small household animals in a moving vehicle is no longer permissible. Neither is training animals – or small children – to perform amusing tricks.

The shooting of hardcore porno movies on digital cameras is no longer allowed in motor vehicles.

Highland dancing on the bonnet of your car is not allowed in traffic.

In addition to these rules the government is now considering other potentially dangerous fads in modern motoring. Dark tinted glass may be outlawed as both a safety consideration to stop these drivers running into walls at night and also on style grounds. Celebrities and drug lords will be exempted.

Obscuring your windows with stickers, logos or banners pronouncing your beliefs will be banned – Asian taxi drivers will be exempted.

Anyone driving a four wheel drive in a city setting with bull bars fitted will be transported to Afghanistan and made to help in reconstruction for two years.

‘Baby on board’ signs will carry a mandatory four year jail sentence and compulsory sterilisation of the offender.

And just to show I am even handed, pedestrians who run across four lanes of moving traffic or cyclists who cycle at night with no lights on their bike can be legally run over.