US Lowers Terrorist Alert Level

The Bush administration today announced they were reducing their alert status from Orange – Very, very, very dangerous, oh my god, we’re all going to die horribly – to Yellow Alert – suspect everyone and make everyone have a visa to get into the country, even citizens from you closest ally. Odd how increased alerts come whenever the adminstration needs to delfect the attention of the citizens or give them something else to think about when they’re sitting htere going, hmm, we didn’t find any WMDs in Iraw, we’ve killed a lot of innocents, a lot of US troops are being sucked into an ongoing meat grinder and the world is pissed off with us – did the government lie to us? Oh no, an ORange Alert! Must stop thinking and must trust the Minsitry of Homeland Security – WAR IS PEACE, IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH – and not question authority.

Anyway, we at the Gazette realise these alerts are becoming confusing to people, so we have created this handy list for you so you may know your terror alerts:

PINK ALERT: terrorist attack on San Francisco or other major gay-friendly city or possibly on the Barbie factory.

GREEN ALERT: Fundamentalists have poisoned America’s supply of broccoli.

PURPLE ALERT: Terrorist intend to infiltrate Glam Rock concert.

SILVER ALERT: elderly pensioner terrorists threaten attack on Florida retirement homes.

STRIPED ALERT: Deadly zebras trained as killers will be unleashed.

POLKA DOT ALERT: Terrorists threaten use of German Oompah music and bad waltzes.

YELLOW ALERT: Raise defense fields but not enough to protect you from the Wrath of Khan beating up on your engine room.

RED ALERT: Room goes dark, red bulb goes on (you may have to change it) and klaxon goes ‘whoop…whoop…whoop’ while you rock from side to side before being flung from you chair and the guy in the red shirt has a console explode in his face.

We hope this is useful.