Fantasy Xmas bestsellers

That fantasy version of the top SF bestselling books for this Xmas are:

Spock’s Original Vulcan Miscellany – a small hardback choc-full of fascinating and utterly useless facts on the worlds of Trek, from the Pantone colour of the red secretary guard’s shirts to Jolene Blalock’s bra design. Just the thing to while away the time with other boring fans who wonder why girls don’t talk to them and just how they could go about getting a green-skinned Orion slave girl for those long nights. Still, it’s better than watching Enterprise.

The Bobbit – yes, yet another of those oh-so-wonderfully amusing pastiches belatedly cashing in – sorry fulfilling the public need for – on popular franchises by copying the decades old Harvard Lampoon’s Bored of the Rings. In the shire all the small, hairy creatures have names derived from the main name of Robert. Young Bobbo Bobbins has inherited an inflatable o-ring from his uncle who used it so sit on to relieve his haemorrhoids. Unknown to young Bobbo however, this bottom-comforting ring is the One True Ring and once supported the arse of the Evil Sporran, who legend tells became evil after sitting on a bunch of jaggy nettles while wearing a kilt with no underpants.

Milking It – the 27th instalment of the Great Artless Cash Cow cycle about a bunch of stock fantasy figures and situations. Perfect for morons who can’t be arsed being challenged with decent writing, ideas or characters. Probably written by some bloke with a big beard. And it will probably be late for publication anyway.

The Philosophy of the Making of the Essays About the Philosophy and Essays About the Matrix. Learn to talk even more mindless, meaningless bollocks than the Architect. Gasp as pseudo-academics who can’t get published in respectable journals churn out a pointless essay on a subject they don’t actually no much about as they’ve never seen any other SF film ever.

Bushed – an alternative history novel set in two time frames. In the present the world is being guided into a new dark age of fear, violence and horror as George W. Bush plots in league with Those Who Cannot Be Named to destroy Mankind slowly so the fear and pain will feed the evil extra-dimensional beings who will rule after our fall. Meanwhile in the future segment a young woman in a high-tech nano-suit sips Caledonian 80 in a bar in 26th century Edinburgh and plans to fix the whole of the past, probably using technology and socialism. Yes, it’s a new Ken MacLeod book. Only kidding, Ken.

Light of Earth – the tale of a struggling group of writers who have to battle the evil monolith of Giant Uncaring Publisherdom who threatens – unbelievably – to shut down their excellent SF stable. Coming soon from Mike Cobley, based on a true story.

Altered Broken Market – in Richard Morgan’s new blockbuster Kovacs finds he has to battle against a rampant free market economy run by neural clones of his own brain, who use their combat training for the jungle warfare of cut-throat capitalism. Amongst amoral lashings of the old ultra-violence and a bit of the old in-out Kovacs must face the evil leader of the Marketeers, Condoleeza Rice, while trying to negotiate another movie deal with David Geffen while being very cool and stylish and having at least one good shag scene.

Blood and Lace – androgynous vampires fancy each other, wear silly clothes they think reek of good taste, spout bad poetry and ponce around a bit before getting into a hissy fit over who was in who’s coffin last night. Oh, wait, that’s the new Anne Rice novel, isn’t it? And the one before that and the one before that…

Joe Gordon is a professional cynical bookseller who has seen to many manufactured crazes in publishing and distrusts everything, while strongly believing that everything he perceives is imaginary, including himself. In fact this article doesn’t exist, you only think you’re reading it and you aren’t really there. Oh bollocks, that’s back to one of those tedious philosophy and the Matrix books again isn’t it? He has decided to get on the gravy train by writing a fantasy trilogy called Pages about a handsome young bookseller who has magical adventures, entering new worlds by his books, assisted by his talking cats, a small anime bookseller who lives inside the Manga books and a bevy of delectable lady booksellers who all want him to be their bookmark when he’s not saving all the worlds. Hey. It’s no worse than bloody Harry Potter you know. Volume one of Pages will be published as soon as I can con some money out of a gullible publisher. Dave Langford will write a column of anecdotes in it’s honour and you will all love it.