Dad in the City Art Centre

Out and about for Glasgow's Doors Open Day at the weekend with dad, who decided to sit down and have a breather while I wandered up the stairs in the City Art Centre on Sauchiehall Street, which has a lovely 'inside-outside' feel to its courtyard, with the external walls of old buildings making the atrium which is covered but flooded with natural light, even on overcast days. I went up the open stairs to take a few pics and leaning over the rail to look down spotted dad, who looked up towards me just as I was taking a pic; quite pleased with this one.

is that a year?

Its exactly one year today from the worst day of my life. Is it really a year? How can it be a whole year that my wonderful mum's not been in this world with us? I've not felt this year go past; I know as we get older we all say how quickly time seems to pass, but this was different, it went past, much of it acting on autpilot. I miss her so much it hurts every day, its like the phantom ache of a lost limb. I hurt more thinking about my dad and how much it hurts him. I see bad people on the news every night and wonder why they get to live when she was taken away so early from us. She and dad should be enjoying their retirement time together, hand in hand. Life just seems a lot emptier and colder now and I feel permanently scared, something I never felt before. I'm worried and scared all the time, waiting for something else to happen, constantly worried about my dad. Losing anyone is so very hard but losing them suddenly can leave you in an even more vulnerable place, it shocks your sensibilities to see how swiftly someone so precious to you can just be taken away, it leaves you wondering what next and why you struggle to get through each day, what the point is.

And I know its also selfish - its so easy to be wrapped up in your own grief that you forget others are going through it. Mum already has far too many new neighbours by her plot, some family is going through that pain every single day. Some of my very dear, lifelong friends are coping with seriously ill parents right now. And I know in a perverse way that the grief and pain is almost an indicator of good fortune - its in direct response to the love my mum brought us and I know there are some who don't feel this pain and despite appearances I know actually I'm still luckier than them because they never had this love to lose and how horrible that must be never to have known what that's like, to be completely enveloped by love and warmth like that. I had that and there are too many who never did, there are too many kids who never get that love and care to grow up with.

The minister who gave the service spent quite a bit of time with the family listening to us to get a sense of mum. A few days before the service I wrote to him about her. The words weren't meant to be read out, it was just maybe to help him for the funeral service, but in the event he decided to read it all out in the church. I don't know where the words came from, I really don't know how I even managed to think or type that dreadful week and looking at it now its not what I'd have chosen to be read out, I'd have done more to it if I could, but perhaps that's the point, that I didn't re-write and edit and polish it, its just words pouring out, so to honour mum I'm reprinting it here:

"We've all, friends and family, been talking endlessly about my mum in the last few days and among some memories which made us laugh, even at this time, the one aspect of her which came up constantly was that she always tried to be there for everyone, whether it was nursing my papa, Michael or taking care of some of newest members of our extended family to let the new parents catch a breath. And every one of us could give a catalogue of times she was there to support us, from physically taking care of us when we needed it to the simple wee touch of a phone call before a big college exam saying good luck and I love you. But the single biggest thing my mum did for any of us was also the simplest - she hugged us and loved us. Of all the many ways people have to communicate to each other the simplest is touch - a hand held, a pair of arms holding you. Its the simplest but its the most powerful and its the most wonderful; there isn't a member of our family from child to adult who hasn't benefited from a hug from Pat Gordon when they needed it. And not just the family, I know there are plenty of friends here today who have had those arms wrapped round them in their lives. That simple act is remarkable - another person touching you, holding you, their warmth enfolds you, you feel their heart beating and know it is just like yours. You know they can't wave a magic wand and make all the bad things in life go away, but you also know that as they hold you they're saying I can give you shelter from those bad things, if only for a few moments my arms will be a harbour you can rest in. That simple act is saying something very, very precious in our world - its saying someone cares about others. We've been so lucky to have that all our lives and even now that love expressed so readily is holding us up when we feel like we're going to fall.

Our family has always embraced it - I know some folks aren't so comfortable with it, but we all are and its part of what keeps us going and keeps us together. Its a simple act but when we do it we show we care and when we do that we do something astonishing, we make the world just a little better. In my mum's name and in my dad's because I can't think on one without the other, I'd like to ask you to do one thing for her now, before we leave. Would you please turn to the people next to you, family, friend or someone you don't know, and give them a wee hug. Because its one of the most wonderful things in the whole, wide world we can do for each other and because I know she would want us all to."

I keep trying to remember her warmth and love and how it made me feel. They say that all of life is a desperate need to go back to the warmth and security of the womb, but really, who remembers that? I can't speak for others, but for me its always been more that magical feeling of being a very young boy, walking between your mum and dad, holding your hands and just knowing at some deep level that you were utterly loved and at that age there was no problem big enough that your mum and dad couldn't solve it. The boy in me still remembers that warmth, the man in me misses it terribly but is sadly happy to have had that warm childhood and all the other years. Then you grow up and often they say that's a hard time when you realise that your parents aren't heroes and magical, they're just ordinary folks who make mistakes just like you. I never really felt that; actually realising they were fallible human beings just like me but they did so much within those human flaws to make me better, to make our family better, that made me love them even more. I'm trying hard to remember that, but far too much of life looks very grim and frightening now and its difficult to find reasons to keep moving on when you don't feel like there's much to look forward to. And that 'time heals all' phrase, that's nonsense, it doesn't heal anything, it doesn't make anything easier, it just means you are older and wondering why.

I wish I could put it more eloquently, I wish I could phrase what's inside me with more care, but what it really, simply comes down to is I love her and I want my mum. And I don't get that ever again and that just doesn't stop hurting. Her name's on a bloody stone and I hate it, she should be here with us and I still don't understand why she isn't, I still don't know why the world took her away from us like that.

birthdays

Its my birthday today, my age clicking over in time with the ending of the year. I've never cared much for my birthday, always feels sort of squeezed in there as everyone darts around getting ready for New Year and this year I can be bothered even less with it. Dad warned me that my card was one mum picked up ages ago - she had the habit of seeing something she thought perfect for someone for a birthday, Christmas etc and she'd get it then and put it aside, often months and months in advance (or even years - one of my cousins doesn't know it but she had put aside a certain something for her to be given on an upcoming special occasion, its just sitting there ready). So I opened the card today and there it is signed love mum and dad. And I felt as if someone hit me in the chest with a sledgehammer and that was me out of it for quite a while. I'd much rather have it than not, of course, but it was still bloody hard and I was struggling already (birthday is bad enough but New Year is often depressing at the best of times). Goodbye 2008 - you started so well, with the promise of a trip to Paris and I was very happy. Then you became the worst year of my life and I don't even remember half of it going past because even when I think I am functioning okay I don't think I am and am still running on autopilot a lot of the time. Go away 2008, you're not welcome here anymore, although somehow I doubt 2009 will make me feel any better.

Christmas

Its been a pretty mixed Christmas for me and dad this year, as you can imagine. The normal opening of the presents on Christmas morning was pretty subdued without mum being there. Even little things like signing Christmas cards had been especially hard for my dad; I knew that before he said, as soon as I opened my card from him the other week there I felt a terrible pang because I knew right away how much it would have hurt him to be signing those cards from him and not from him and mum. Life is full of once absolutely normal activities and rituals like signing cards that are now tipped with barbs which dig in and remind us sharply of our loss and its worse for my dear dad. We took up Christmas wreaths to the cemetery for mum and also to her brother, the Comrade, which was terribly hard.

I know some folks say don't put yourselves through the wringer like that, but its impossible not to go. We did our best though and dad made a huge effort in the kitchen, with my cousin and her hubby over for dinner as they usually are. Obviously not on a par with the cooking and baking mum created (which was outstanding) but we did our best and had a good meal and a decent afternoon and evening drinking and chatting away. Very mixed day, as I say, it wasn't all sadness, we had good moments, but everyday there's something which gets us and at this time of year its far more pronounced.

Christmas

I don't think I have ever looked forward to a Christmas less than I do this year, it drives further home the stark fact that mum isn't there with us. Its not hard to see why so many people suffer depression at this time of year.

Dad's home

Great news this afternoon, a nice early Christmas present - my dad's been released from hospital after his tests proved okay and he's home. I'm just about to catch a train back through again myself shortly and as you can imagine the sense of relief is enormous. The medical staff seemed pretty confident on Saturday when I spoke with them, but there's always that niggling worry that at the last minute they might decide he had to stay in for something else, but nope, he's home and we're bloody happy. Many thanks to the folks who sent me positive wishes, much appreciated. I've got a huge desire to stick on the Tom and Jerry set I got dad a couple of years back and sit down with him to watch the 'Twas the night before Christmas' one from the 40s. I might just do that. Now, folks, if you'll excuse me its time to click my ruby red Doc Martens together and repeat "there's no place like home, there's no place like home..." Have a good Christmas, everybody.

Family crisis

I've not blogged for a while partly because I was busy trying to meet friends and catch up before the holidays last week. But sadly also because at the end of the week we were hit by a sudden family emergency when my mum phoned to say my dad had been taken into hospital back home in Glasgow. He had been feeling peculiar, on and off, and mum had forced him to go to his doctor. Typically the day of the appointment he felt fine, but she made him go (this is the woman we practically have to tie up and drag to the doctor's practise when she feels off) and it turned out to be a good thing she did. Although he felt fine his GP was a bit worried at a heart murmur combined with some dark flecks on his nails which can be indicative of Endocarditis, where an infection enters the body and, as you might infer from the name, attacks the heart, especially the heart valves which is an area of that extraordinary muscle where our white blood cells which fight infections can't go. When the heat of the surgery made him feel faint she decided not to bother booking him in for a visit in the New Year and just sent him directly to hospital then and there.

We were told not to worry unduly, that he wasn't in danger, but when a doctor starts talking about possible damage to heart valves it is pretty bloody hard not to worry and I don't mind admitting I felt physically sick with fear, as if I had swallowed a bar of lead, a heavy, nauseous feeling inside just worrying about anything happening to my dad. I was due to finish on Friday for the Christmas holidays and fortunately my boss told me just to leave now (thanks, Kenny), so after a quick stop to leave some extra food for the kitties I was straight home so I could go into hospital to see him and so I could stay over with my poor mum who is putting on a brave face but is obviously worried and scared too (and I wanted to be home for her as much as for my dad, think that did help her. She said she's made up by old bed before I phoned to say I was on the way because she just knew I'd be there). The rest of the family have been great too, offering lifts in and out (even my wee cousin who just passed her test days ago, bless her, phoned to offer a ride in if needed - naturally using her mum's car and petrol). I don't have any brothers and sisters, but I have a legion of cousins and aunts and uncles and count myself very, very lucky.

I hate even visiting in hospitals - I hate the smell and feel of the places and I hate seeing someone I love in one, but I had to see my dad. He had been a bit tetchy earlier, I heard, mostly because he hated being in there and wanted home (and this is a man who is almost never rude or tetchy) but he was in better spirits when I went in and the nurses on his ward were very nice and friendly. Much as he wanted to go home the doctor had made clear to him if it was Endocarditis then he had to be treated now; if not treated early it is a condition which could potentially hospitalise a patient for months and be dangerous. You just can't take chances with infections, especially one that can damage the heart, especially as at dad's age he is out of manufacturer's warranty. The doctor also told him he had a bloody good GP to pick up on these signs and send him in promptly, so good call there, Doc.

The bad news: he's still in there. The good news: he had an echocardiogram - essentially like an ultrasound scan but on the heart - which showed no trace of infection on the organ. Second doctor also joins in for a look and they pronounce what they are looking for isn't there and he's not showing other symptoms of this nasty infection such as pains, marks on the palms of the hand etc. Blood and urine tests look clear too, although they put him on an antibiotic drip as a precaution while cultures are grown from the blood for a final check, which takes a couple of days (the senior ward nurse was very helpful when I asked her for the name of the condition so I could look it up, talking over his results, the tests and what they were checking for). If everything continues to be clear, as they seem fairly confident it will (in fact they took him off the antibiotics yesterday, so they must be pretty confident), then his principal doctor will have another look at the blood cultures on Monday and if they too are good then we should hopefully be allowed to take him home. On Christmas Eve. That would be the best Christmas present we could ever have. Although I'm not sure if that would mean we would have to leave him wrapped under the tree till Christmas morning...

Small world: in the bed nearest to my dad was an elderly gentleman who turned out to be from the same part of town as some of my dad's older relatives from many years ago and who remembered some of them. He was having a slow blood transfusion, the drip feed bag connected to him. He'd asked how long it took and they nurse said about four hours, so he said what if I need to go the loo in that time? Few minutes later several of the nurses come back with those long-necked bottles for patients who can't leave their beds and they pile a dozen next to him, laughing - nice to see they can joke with the patients and keep their spirits up. I told him if any of the blood they were giving him had a peaty aftertaste to it then it might be some of mine (its all the single malts, good for the blood flow, you know) - it was interesting to see someone benefiting from a blood donation.

You know when you give it that it will help someone, but you don't normally see it in action. Of course, dad didn't need a transfusion himself, but he might well have done and frankly that's another bloody good reason to be a regular donor - you never know when something might happen to the people who matter to you and how they might depend on those donations, so again I'd say to everyone who has thought about but never done it, please, please go in and start donating; you might help a perfect stranger, you might be helping someone at the centre of your world. And it feels good to do something positive for life when there's too many bad things in the world. And if you find one of your loved ones in hospital (and sadly at some point in our lives that's likely to happen to all of us at some point) you'll be bloody glad folks do give blood, so don't just assume other will do it, go out there and do it yourself.

So fingers crossed we get my dad home tomorrow and we get our family Christmas together. We're feeling more positive than we were at the end of last week, but obviously we're still concerned and we're eager to have him home and worried that some last minute thing will crop up to get in the way, so think positive thoughts for us and if I don't get a chance to post again before the big day then peace and love to you all. We've just passed the Longest Night of the year; slowly, almost imperceptibly the long, dark nights of our northern kingdom will grow shorter and the days longer. Maybe that's a good omen for us. And after two days of mist and freezing fog today the sun rose bright and clear. I hope that's another one.