Editor denies assault

Ariel, star editor of the Alien Online has denied attacking one of the scumbag perps who burgled his home (see his recent blog). In shades of the case of farmer Tony Martin, who shot a burglar in the back twice, rumour has it that Ariel used his Next Generation phaser on one robber while his wife struck the other with a light sabre whilst whistling the Cantina Band theme from Star Wars. They deny all, saying the robbers ‘fell down the stairs’. A story that a third robber had been locked in the basement with a huge pendulum swinging over his head while a voice from behind a brick wall cried ‘for the love of god, Monstressor’ are apparently without foundation.

Still, it would be nice to get the no-good little bastards and do some horrid things to them, wouldn’t it? Staking them out on the lawn, naked, with tuna smeared over their genitals and their cat, Hobbes for company? I have a fine set of thumb screws you can borrow if you want, mate.