Election time

It seems to be an election spring this year – Turkey is in the middle of problems with a flawed election, France is in the middle of presidential elections which are now between a right wing twonk (sorry, Le Twonk) and an attractive woman who hates manga but doesn’t seem to have much in the way of solid policies. In the UK there are local elections for councils and in Wales and Scotland there are also elections for the Welsh Assembly and the Scottish Parliament as well this week. It can be very confusing as political parties jockey for attention like ill-tempered and jealous children with bad attention defecit disorder and every second lampost suddenly blooms with strange new colourful foliage as activists go around sticking up signs entreating us all to vote for their candidate, each trying to place their sign higher than opponent’s (shame they are slower to come round and remove this political graffiti they inflict on citizens after it is over). Well, for those in Scotland who are wondering just what the smeg to do this Thursday, here’s our Woolamaloo rough guide, prepared in collaboration with Professor Albert Major-Majority of the University of Woolamaloo’s Department of Political Science and Bullshit:

The Labour Party – main plank for election: please don’t blame us for Tony Blair’s war crimes, nothing to do with us, honest, oh and let’s stick with the Union because Tony told us to. Er… It’s okay, he’s going soon, honest and can we just say again he is nothing to do with Scottish Labour, it’s just we never got round to criticising him because we were too busy using our own Westminster MPs to support his corrupt regime. Er… Vote Jack!

The Liberal Democrats – main plank of election strategy: er, not sure really. Do they have one? Do they even have a leader of the Scottish party anyone has heard of? Moving on…

The SNP, aka the Scottish National Party but also known to generations of Scottish schoolkids as the Scottish Nose Pickers. Main election strategy – play on the age-old Scots tradition of blaming the English for anything ever being wrong, have total independence without explaining how it will work other than referring to North Sea oil revenues which magically go on forever and never run out… Never mind, Sean Connery loves them, but since he hasn’t lived in Scotland for decades what the feck does he know about Scottish politics and life in Scotland these days?

The Green Party – main election ideals: build sustainable new power stations by constructing wind turbines powered from the hot air blowing from the major parties’ gobs. Create affordable new homes from hemp. Free sandals for all schoolkids.

Various Socialist Parties which used to be one which in a traditional left political move splintered into 173 competing Socialist parties as soon as they tasted the slightest bit of success. Main electoral planks: Tommy Sheridan’s fake tan, the bloke from the Royale Family with the big nose says they are great for the ‘workers’ and the Magical Land Where Everyone Is Paid Lots Of Money and Everything Is Wonderful Always

The Conservatives – main electoral planks: er, some Ayrshire farmers voted for us once and, oh, please don’t hold the fact we were the only ones to campaign against the Scottish parliament, so why are we even trying to be elected to an institution we fought against… Oh, where were we? Oh yeah, why to vote for us, er, oh yeah, we have our wonderful new green tree logo drawn by a 3-year old with crayons to show how caring and green we are.

Alas the Woolamaloo Pary isn’t standing this year.