The Lothian Chainsaw Massacre

Well, thankfully not an actual massacre, but this story of an ordinary bloke who just suddenly seems to have gone stark raving bonkers sounds like something from a horror movie; after coming home from a function with his wife he went outside and was all of a sudden throwing a slab through the bedroom window of some nearby children as they slept then rampaging around with petrol and a chainsaw, cutting through doors, threatening police and even dousing them with petrol and waving a lighter at them before being brought down. Yikes.

On a much less nasty bit of lawbreaking I was almost run over by an arse who tried to drive through a red light near my home as I used the pedestrian crossing. He did stop – just – and gave me a look as if to say, how dare you cross when it is your right of way and the green man is on. I was barely halfway across when he accelerated and drove right through the red light, despite the fact there was a game on at nearby Tynecastle and the street was busy with other pedestrians, some still crossing. I turned round outraged and he mouthed something rude over his shoulder at me.

Four yards later a policeman who was watching all of this as he was on crowd duty for the game steps into the road and stops him. I turn to watch thinking good, at least he will get a bollocking from the officer and maybe he will be less inclined to be such a dangerous wanker in future. But no, the copper simply stopped him for a second to let another car turn into the side street, then waved him on. Bang up job, Lothian police, nice to see you protecting the citizens and doing your bloody job when people break the law right in front of you as you watch and you do bugger all. A while back, again on a game day, I saw a bloke just dump his car in the bus stop so he could save himself a few yards of walking to the ATM. He shouldn’t be parked there anytime and on a game day the official police no parking cones are out on the street too. As he gets out of the car he suddenly realises that on the corner five feet from him are two motorbike cops with their visors up looking at him.

He gives a start and a “oh hell, I’m busted” look appears on his face; alas the lazy coppers shrugged, flicked down their visors and rode off without a word. Man smiles then saunters cockily over to the ATM while his car blocks the buses. I don’t think the council needs to add more rules for motorists in Edinburgh, I think they just need to make sure police and traffic wardens do the bloody job we pay our taxes for them to actually do – especially when they do this sort of thing in front of people who pay their wages, it clearly says we can’t be arsed to do anything. Er, so why are we paying you? And no wonder so many wankers park illegally when they know they can get away with it time and again.

I loved an old Judge Dredd short story where he teaches a rookie judge how to deal with bad parking – no, don’t ticket him or get him towed, this is Mega City One, home of instant justice – Dredd takes a sledgehammer to the car and starts wrecking it while shouting “no parking!”. Hmmm, more of that I think! If someone dumps their car on a crossing, parks on the pavement etc perhaps we should allow citizens to punish them on the spot by putting bricks through their windows (especially since the police obviously don’t care – I mean upholding law and safety, that’s nothing to do with them, is it?).