"We call it the Voight-Kampff test for short"

I read about this prototype sensing device for the twats at the Homeland Insecurity department in the US on Boing Boing (bad enough US authorities have such a belief in their ‘lie detector’ technology which most psychology lecturers I know find laughable, now they want these stupid things which will never catch a bad guy but will get stressed travellers into trouble for no reason) and I couldn’t help but think of the Voight-Kampff test used in Blade Runner to try and detect who was a Replicant.

How to protect America from dangerous British politicians

Boing Boing has a story which is hilariously funny (and a bit disturbing) on so many levels it ain’t true – British Member of Parliament and government minister Shahid Malik, a Muslim, has been stopped for a second time by airport security in the USA. Airport security and immigration have never had the best rep )and US immigration always had a lousy rep for being officious and unfriendly) and since 9-11 they’ve been even worse, with some obviously delighting in abusing the extra (usually downright stupid) rules and powers they can wield – complain and they can make it even worse. They’ve even stopped a UN diplomat travelling on a white passport (which should clear customs almost immeaditely as far as I am aware), now the same British minister twice, presumably because he is Muslim.

The fact he is a member of America’s strongest ally’s government doesn’t seem to have entered into their minds and you have to assume if it is a second time then presumably their superiors don’t give a crap about insulting an allied government in this manner either, which makes you think what can any of us ordinary citizens expect when trying to enter America these days – not sure I’d care to travel there right now, to be honest. Ah, but it gets better – on both occasions the MP was in the US to take part in talks on how to co-operate more closely on fighting terrorism and tackling extremism! Talk about farcical… Don’t y’all feel safer with these fartknocker protecting borders?!?!? Strange we don’t often hear of US senators being harassed at UK immigration.

The Bin Liner speaks

As another 9-11 anniversary comes round the psychotic nutters of Al Wanker wheel out the sad and pathetic figure of the Bin Liner once more, because obviously he and his murderous band of bastards haven’t caused enough pain but they have to mouth off as relatives of the dead try to remember their loved ones. First time in ages this cowering coward has stuck his head out of a hole for long enough to make a message (if he is happy to send young Muslims out to die, allegedly for their faith, why is he so scared he’s been hiding himself for years?) and to make sure we didn’t miss it there were plenty of trailers for the last week (got digital? Press the red button to hear a murderous, incoherent rant of rage now!).

What were the chances he was setting up to go on the air and say “sorry”? Sadly the old shagwit was only on to mumble the same load of old toss about how it is the duty of the faithful to attack infidels (although clearly not his duty, he’s too important and has to prove his devotion to Allah by hiding in a cave somewhere). Oh and he also had to go on TV to advertise Mohamed 9000, the new hair dye for Muslim men that seamlessly blends gray hairs to your natural hair colour.

Burns-themed poem on the recent Glasgow Airport attack my cousin forwarded me, which seems to be doing the rounds

To a Gallant Baggage Handler

(with apologies to Robert Burns)

‘Twas doon by Inch o’ Abbots
Oor Johnny walked yin day

When he saw a sicht that troubled him
Far more that he could say.

A fanatic muslim bastard
Wiz doin’ what he’d planned

And intae Glesca Airport’s hall
A Cherokee he’d rammed.

A big Glaswegian polis
Came forward tae assist

He thocht, “A wumman driver!”
– Or at least some guy half-pissed

But to his shock nae drunken Jock
Emerged to grasp his hand

But a flamin’ Arab loony
Frae yon Al Qaeda band

The mad Islamist nutcase
Had set hissel’ oan fire

And swung oot at the polis,
GBH his clear desire

‘Hey, that’s no richt!’ oor Johnny cried
And sallied tae the fray.

A left hook and a heid butt –
Nae bother! – saved the day.

So listen up Bin Laden:
Yer sort’s no’ wanted here

For imported English radicals
We Scotsmen huv nae fear

Oor hame-grown Glesca Asians
Will have nae bloody truck

So tak yer world-wide jihad
An’ get yersel’ tae Fuck!

Introducing Heep’s hot new SUV, the Fundamentalist. Great off road for the muddy terrorist training camp, brilliant on the busy city roads for trying to kill those damned infidels who insult your culture by daring to go on a summer family holiday. Also perfect for the school run for the busy family Jihadist on the go (only for boys of course, can’t have those damned girls being educated, can we?). Heep, the number one best-selling SUV in Afghanistan and Britain! Deluxe model comes with special SatNav with directions to Salman Rushdie’s house. That will teach the British to value decent literature and freedom of expression!

Factional struggle

The violent struggle in the Middle East has taken a turn for the worse as followers of the Humus faction clash with the supporters of the Fatter Party; fundamentalist dietary Muslims, who knew it would come to this? Meanwhile the flames have been fanned still further from Europe as a Danish pastry in the shape of the Prophet Mo’Betta Blues went on sale causing outrage among the fundamentalist confectionery and bakery wing of Islam. Has the world gone mad? Still, most haven’t tumbled to the fact that the humble croissant is actually shaped so Westerners can celebrate defeating the Ottoman Muslim hordes by eating the symbol of their land. Phew, thank goodness they haven’t cottoned to that one yet. Welcome to the next phase of the War on Terror – now even food isn’t safe…

The Rockford Files in Iraq

I was somewhat taken aback when I saw Jay Garner arriving to the new dictator – Sorry, new interim leader of Iraq. That is, of course, nothing like being a colonial overlord governor-general (although he is indeed a general), because America does not and never has believed in colonialism (except for the Philippines, Cuba, Hawaii and countless spots of military of commercial significance around the world, many borrowed from the former British Empire). This is certainly a good way for us to show the Iraqi people who we fought a war to liberate them and give them our wonderful gifts of liberal democracy for the people, by the people and of the people. Just not those people.

Up until now, however, I thought this might be okay – that this J. Garner might be good in the short term. Then I realised today I had misheard Jay Garner for J. Garner. I thought we were talking about the esteemed actor James Garner. I thought the man who shone in The Great Escape, the man who was Maverick would be able to sort things out. Jim Rockford would know what to do and would always sort out the bad guys. Then I discovered that it wasn’t James Garner at all and some bloody retired general. That is a particularly sensitive move – pick not a diplomat or a UN representative but a US general.

Great. Couldnt we at least have some advisory council to work with him composed of actual Iraqi people from a cross-section of their society? Then we may at least have a fig-leaf of pretence that we are not imposing rule at the force of a gun on that shattered country. That sort of thing is not only immoral and illegal (much like the war itself) but makes an utter mockery of the supposed (and rather belatedly voiced) reason for the damned war.