The new TV season

January is one of the regular times for British broadcasters to start tantalising us with their new wares, but what new shows can we look forward to for the winter quarter? The Gazette‘s media correspondent has a look:

Who Wants to be Tony Blair? Chris Tarrant hosts a new quiz show where people compete to try and replace our lovely war criminal Prime Minister when he finally succumbs to the inevitable. Questions will be asked and contestants can phone a friend, ask the audience or bribe a businessman with a peerage. Questions will be along the lines of “what will be your policy on Iraq? Is it A) To pull out completely and blame Tony Blair; B) Stay and blame Tony Blair; C) Do whatever the American government tells you and blame Tony Blair or D) Say everything is fine apart from some minor problems which are all the fault of the BBC. Is that your final answer, Gordon?”

Big Bugger. Channel 4 continues to champion the cutting edge of quality reality television as Davina McCall hosts a new live show where a bunch of ‘ordinary’ people live together in a house and indulge in endless anal sex for the cameras while morons text in at £10 a time to vote for who gets the trick exploding dildo. Still more amusing than Big Brother. Sponsored by the British Council For Butter. (yes, that is a cheap Last Tango reference). The Celebrity version will give some Z-list nonentities the chance to do something with their arses other than talking out of them.

Doctor Flu. A new science fiction adventure show in which a group of travellers in time and space destroy entire alien civilisations by travelling to them and introducing germs they have no defence against.

Jane Air. A major new drama from the BBC where a plucky heroine scientist in a man’s world must fight to protect the atmosphere from destruction by pollution from budget airlines while still trying to land the perfect husband but not look to easy in the process.

Easy Money. Jonathan Ross sits and counts the massive fees he gets from the BBC for the cameras while flopping his fringe around in a manner which would be endearingly boyish if he weren’t middle-aged.