It’s been an emotionally tough and draining week. I’m still upset at us losing Zag but poor Melanie is taking it far harder; as he lived with her she’s constantly reminded of his absence. We’ve both had the irrational guilt thing as well – you know, where you realise intelectually that something isn’t your fault but emotionally you feel the guilt.
For several days I kept thinking on when he was only about two and climbed out of the kitchen window in our student flat. I realised he was going to go so far down the pipes and then get stuck, so I came out into the garden and just stood there for twenty minutes until eventually he fell off and plumetted groundward. I caught him safely in my arms. He looked up at me with a sort of ‘I had it all under control, you know’ look then bounded happily away. And last week I kept thinking I wasn’t there this time to reach out and save him. Stupid, irrational, but then feelings aren’t rational, are they?
Poor Mel has it worse, convinced it was all her fault when the truth is she gave him a happy little life and of course it wasn’t her fault, it was just one of those awful accidents that happen. I’ve been round at her place every night for the last week, keeping her company and playing with little Dizzy, Zag’s wee sister (who is a little cutey – she seemed to stop growing around the age of 2 and still looks quite kittenish). Perhaps when we get the wee guy’s ashes back from the vet she’ll be able to get a little more closure, but for now its a tender wound and it makes me very worried for her. Anyway, much thanks to all of you who posted such kind sentiments, I really appreciated them.