Prime minister blames terrorists

Confusion gripped the whole of the British Isles as citizens were confronted by the unexpected and awful reality of heavy snowstorms in the middle of the winter season. Shocked Britons found that in February they had to shovel vast amounts of snow from their driveways and take more care on roads while local authorities struggled to keep highways open. Large amounts of snow were observed by many to fall freely from the sky and then later to cover the land, cars, slow-moving animals and elderly ladies as they sat by ponds feeding ducks. “It was awful, “Mrs Ethel Kettlefish told the Gazette, “I was just throwing bread to the duckies when this strange white substance came floating down out of the sky. Children were screaming, we didn’t know what to do.” Naturally the people demanded to know how such a series of events had been allowed to occur on British soil.

The Prime Minister issued a statement in which it was made clear that the snowfall was not the fault of the government. “Intelligence has shown that the heavy snows during winter were caused by fundamentalist terrorists who arrived in Britain posing as asylum seekers, ” explained one Downing Street aide. They went on to claim that a new terror group, code-named Jack Frost, was responsible for the recent blizzard conditions and that this group posed a ‘significant risk’ to Britain as it was believed they could deploy up to 45cm of snow to upset the nation’s infrastructure, a form of attack known as Wet Mushy Disruption or WMD for short.

Downing Street went on to say that the Jack Frost group had entered the country posing as asylum seekers and pointed out this proved the government needed stronger powers on those nasty foreign devils entering the Sceptred Isles and also the power to be able to detain British citizens without charge or trial who may also be a threat. Several prominent meteorolgists have already been detained along with anyone whose name contains the word ‘Ali’ in it. We of course support all of this as loyal patriots (please don’t lock us up, Mr Home Secretary) and urge the government to use all force to find those who inflicted this dreadful snow attack on our innocent civilians.