We at the Gazette have been rather worried at the dearth of true debate on the issues facing the actual citizens of the United States in their election. Mired in sleaze and confused by contradictory adverts and nonsensical rhetoric it is all too easy to understand how many are unsure as to how to vote. Therefore we have compiled this simple, plain-English summary of the positions and agendas of the main protagonists in the presidential race.

George W. Bush, part-time president and cowboy, Republican Party and personal friend of Jesus Christ (although he does think Jesus to be a little ‘liberal’ on social issues).

Stands for: more God in government (and the hell with what the constitution says about church and state because obviously he knows better than Jefferson, Franklin and the other Founding Fathers who were all obviously liberal wimps). Helping the crippled American economy to recover by increasing the national debt to proud new levels in order to stimulate growth by paying out huge amounts of taxpayer’s cash to large corporations. Ensuring the security of American freedoms by restricting civil liberties, arranging dawn raids on citizens who may be subversive and thinking for themselves and making the US safer internationally by alienating all of our (damned liberal) allies and attacking everyone else (or getting the Brits to do it for us right before an election). Tax cuts all round (for those earning more than $100, 000 per annum)

Campaign in a nutshell: “I’m a firm, safe pair of hands to protect America (just look at my impressive record).”

Senator John Kerry, Democratic Party, firm believer in the power of flip-flops. Stands for: speaking out for the ordinary American citizen (or at least the immensely rich and privileged ones he actually knows), happily prepared to alter his views and speeches to whatever state he is in (now that’s really listening to your electorate, folks!), the giving of a free copy of Oliver Stone’s Platoon to all families, sorting out the mess of Iraq by er… Well, sorting it out. Tax cuts for people with very long faces.

Campaign in a nutshell: “I’m not George Bush.”

Ralph Nader, independent, professional whinger, part-time green. Stands for: well, we don’t know actually. Getting his name in the news as far as we can tell.

Campaign in a nutshell: “Please, someone, vote for me!”

Still confused, citizens? Well worry ye not, America – for that minority that is actually registered to vote, technical problems with electronic ballots, faulty chads, biased party officials in charge of your election and the ever reliable Electoral College will all conspire to ensure your votes are all but worthless. The wonderful system of checks and balances in action – checks (sic) written out by big business donors and interested parties’ bank balances that is. Now here are some more reality shows from Fox – go back to your TV sets, America and don’t worry yourselves none, y’hear?

Actually folks, this new model of American democracy is actually the closest to the much glorified version practised in the birthplace of Democracy, Athens (ancient Greece, not Georgia y’all): only a small section of society have any real input and the ordinary masses have bugger all say. It’s not called the Greatest Democracy on Earth ™ for nothing you know. God bless America coz no other bugger will bother as you ‘select’ your 44th President (the 50th wins a special prize and a money off coupon for Disney World).