The State our Union is in Address
My fellow Americans and other suckers. Yep, it’s me, the guy who got his brother and his rich daddy’s chums on the Supreme Court to hand him the Presidency.
There has been a lot of talk recently about the slide into which some say the American economy has been turning. I would like to say two things about this. First of all, I believe by spending trillions of dollars on our war machine we will help to jump-start the economy once more and create new wealth – especially for my friends in Boeing, McDonnell et al – true Patriots all of them (pockets plain brown envelope with large cash donation for campaigning). Secondly anyone who states the US economy is in peril is a traitor and a communist and will have their home and records searched without a warrant in order to safeguard the security of the nation.
We will continue our brave and well-informed overseas missions of liberation. No, never mind what that Private Jessica is saying in her memoirs, listen to my good friend and patriot Ari Fleischer – what we are doing is right. I firmly believe that the only way to secure our beloved homeland from terrorist attacks is to bomb the crap out of any other nation we feel like. Isolating ourselves internationally by enraging other nations and making fun of even our allies is the perfect way to secure America a lasting peace, as is propping up dictators with money and weapons when it suits us then bombing them later. This allows for new opportunities for American corporations in the reconstruction of lands we have destroyed (pockets another brown envelope stuffed with dollar bills and a complimentary Halliburton golf umbrella). This allows us to remake the world in our divine American image – as it should be since we are obviously spot on about everything – and boost our own economy while helping poor people in far flung nations who have nothing (now we’ve bombed everything they had).
I firmly believe the capture of the evil dictator Saddam excuses all the outright lies we told you about why we were going to war. However, since so many of you still believe Iraq had nuclear weapons and was involved in 9-11 I guess it doesn’t really matter. And you guys say I’m dumb? (chuckles, riffles some of the bills in his envelope). His capture also makes me a bigger man than my pappy, which can only be good for America and the world as we eye up our next target. We brave watchmen on the ramparts of freedom will continues to stand against the threat of those evil terrorists who would kill and maim innocents by bombing the hell out of other people’s cities for peace. If Kofi Annan or the Frogs or Krauts say anything it’s because they are all Communist Terrorist Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys Cowards (looks at book of American history and puts marker pen through parts describing how America would never have won the Revolutionary War without French aid). Anyway, my Mate Tony says it’s all okay, so it must be fine. They’re a class act those Brits – they are determined, honourable people who will always stand and fight for whatever I tell their Prime Minister to.
And so, as we enter an election year and I face the problem of perhaps actually having to be elected this time round, I say this to you, my fellow citizens. Remember that only a traitor questions authority, it is un-American to change presidents during a war (so we’ll just keep it going and going, thank you all for your support). And don’t forget that nice Mister Ashcroft knows where each and every one of you lives and what you do, oh yes he does – that goes for you too Moore, you watch your unpatriotic ass, your dissent harms the brave war efforts of our multi-nationals…er… armed forces as they secure lucrative contracts… I mean peace. And as for that asshole Kerry – well, just remember what happened to the last Mick who got into the White House. (glares at Teddy Kennedy, then winks).
Ari Fleischer will take the names of anyone with questions afterwards and then hand them on to the Ministry for Homeland Security. Oh, and that reminds me, since that’s been so darn good I’m gonna add a Ministry of Patriotic Fossil Fuel Development (waves to Condoleeza Rice) and to make sure there is no repeat of the Florida debacle again and safeguard our blessed democracy – the best money can buy you know, we’re darn proud of it – there will be a new Ministry for Patriotic Democracy to oversee electoral irregularities. To ensure it is run impartially Katherine Harris will be in charge. All persons wanting to run for office or engage in voting will need to be cleared by the Ministry for Patriotic Democracy and the Ministry of Homeland Security. See you all in November and God bless Halliburton… I mean you all.