Gotta have faith
That Michael Howard list of what he believes in:
“I Charles Foster Kane – sorry, Michael Howard, Prince of the Night, new leader of the Conservative, Unionist and Bastards Party do hereby promise to use my powers for the betterment of my fellow lesser citizens and other commonplace scum.”
I believe that giving tax cuts which grant the rich extra thousands while leaving the bulk of the population with no discernible benefit will help the British economy due to the ‘trickle down’ effect (rich people with a tax cut can hire more servants).
I believe that we in Britain are naturally more important than foreign people and as such we should ridicule other nations regularly (except for the Americans).
I believe most British people, rich and poor want us to make fun of the European Union and foreigners with silly names. Except when we have a big commercial contract with them.
I believe xenophobia and bigotry against asylum seekers and other cultures will make Britain more secure and me feel good because I am a small man with a small, narrow mind.
I believe every person in Britain has the inalienable right to quality health care free at the point of service and to be freely educated to the highest standards.
I also believe that most of the suckers in the population are too stupid to recall that I served for years in the previous Conservative administration which slashed the National Health Service to the bone and left it in a state which it is still struggling to recover from.
I believe they have forgotten that we paid teachers crap while giving big pay hikes to the forces and the police because we needed them to maintain civil order while we slaughtered public services, destroyed mining and shipbuilding and taxed the poorer through stealth taxes while telling you all we were the aprty of low taxation (for the rich).
I believe those foolish sheep we call the electorate have forgotten I was part of the administration that froze then slashed the student grant to force undergrads to take the reprehensible student loans that no-one would take previously that all big banks shied away from costing the tax-payer millions to fund that could have gone directly to poorer undergraduates to help alleviate student poverty and reduce the dreadful drop-out rate fuelled by student poverty which wastes millions more each year and contributes to more poverty and depression.
I believe that if I have good enough spin doctors and put enough smarm on my media appearances you fools will all forget my evil past and vote for my slimy ass because of a slick media campaign and the fact you are all pissed of with that smeghead Blair.
What’s next for Howard the Slug? A huge rally with a 50-foot portrait of himself above the rostrum with HOWARD in big, bold capitals while he rants on about taking a message ‘to those beauracats in city hall’? Do you think someone has been watching too much Citizen Kane? But forgetting how Charles Foster Kane’s ‘Declaration of Principles’ turned out in the end?