A BBC politics programme broke the news that the interim report into WMDs in Iraq clearly shows that there isn’t a bloody trace of nuclear, biological or chemical weapons or the facilities to create them for the future. Well, that’s such a big surprise, isn’t it boys and girls? Gee, most of us nodded our heads gravely when Tony Blair told us how rock solid our intelligence was – the real intelligence and the kind he and Campbell massaged for public consumption – and of course as good little citizens we all accepted what our leaders told us and agreed that this was, regrettably, complete justification to bomb the fucking crap out of another nation.

We at the Gazette can now tell you what happened to all of those weapons Blair, Campbell and Bush told us really, really existed and which threatened our very existence (because we all know only ourselves and the Americans should have massive weapons of destruction). Saddam did indeed have copious amounts of WMDs, but he spirited them out of the country before Gulf War II opened and secreted them in David Blaine’s apartment. This is why Blaine is currently suspended from a box on a supposed public fast – he can’t actually fit into his apartment because he has chemical weapons in his shower and a nuclear bomb in his bedroom.

In fact, we can exclusively reveal that the man in the box you see on television isn’t publicity hungry egomaniacal magician David Blaine at all, but is actually Saddam Hussein in disguise, hiding in plain sight.