Celeb hawkers

Another sign of the impending festive season can be glimpsed in our magazines, TV and cinema as a gaggle of greedy celebrities do their best to hawk their tawdry, over-priced goods on us so they can swell their already overflowing coffers. Perfumes, grills, jewels you name it. If they were honest it wouldn’t be so bad – I mean why don’t we have adverts for the new scent Great Fat Arse by Jennifer Lopez? Or Pretentious EuroPonce by Gaultier? How about Tasteless Bling by Dolce and Banana? Protruding Nipples by Jennifer Anniston?

Then there is the celebrity endorsement – curl your lashes with this brush and you will look just like Penelope Cruz. Uh-huh. First off you won’t. Second, no guys gives a rat’s arse about Penny’s eyelashes, that isn’t where our gaze is going. Or that damned stupid Sony Viao ad for their laptop featuring Daniel Craig in Casino Royale – “get equipped like Bond”. WTF? Yeah, a Sony laptop will turn me into the world’s greatest British superspy – a new dinner jacket, Sony laptop, Aston Martin and Eva Green sitting on my lap isn’t going to make me remotely like James Bond (although it would be fun, especially the Eva Green bit). And what about when they get the celeb totally wrong for the product? Like Bob Dylan for that must-have accessory for folks who can’t think for themselves, the Ipod? Yup, the man who went through all sorts of shit for ‘going electric’ years ago now schills for digital style fiends.

Maybe the whole distasteful business would be more enjoyable if we used fictional celebrities instead of real ones. How about the Jean-Luc Picard Ceramic Hair Curling Tongs? Buffy’s Mr Pointy Vibrator? Eric Cartman’s Special Diet? Tom Sawyer’s River Holidays? Freddy Kreuger’s Skin Care Range? Panty Liners by Wonder Woman? Athletic Support Bras by Power Girl? Kitty Litter from Catwoman? Online Dating by Jane Austen? Newspapers from Charles Foster Kane? Count Dracula’s Dental Insurance?