Gift ideas

'Tis the season when every second bloody advert is from celebs from A to Z list hawking their wares: perfumes, endless comedy DVDs and books which are instantly sold at half price in the chain bookstores and supermarkets. I'm so utterly disgusted by the crass, obvious commercialism of all of this that I've decided to jump on the bandwagon and endorse my own scent, Eau de Joe. Why buy a perfume that allegedly makes you smell like some Hollywood slapper when you could have Eau de Joe, with its peaty, single malt mixed with hints of 80% coco chocolate, must books and cat fur aroma.

And for that other perfect gift for Christmas why not select my new special Joe Stands Up comedy DVD. Its an hour long of me standing up in different poses, from bolt upright to nonchalantly leaning against the fireplace in my smoking jacket as I tap out my pipe. Order now and get the bonus extra disc Joe Also Sits Down. Truly something for everyone.

Okay, I'll admit, these are shoddy, inferior goods designed simply to be bought by folks desperate for gift ideas for relatives whose tastes they don't really know that well, just like every other shameless celebrity endorsed bag of crap, but at least I'm honest about it. And my comedy DVD would still be funnier than bloody Peter Kaye or Gavin and bloody Stacey. Hmm, maybe I should think on a range of action figures for next year...

Stylish

Kate Moss launches a range of clothes and label zombies queue up to buy them, regardless of the fact that she has bugger all to do with designing or creating them, her name is purely a badge to stick on the clothes to lure the gullible in. They all know this, but it's Kate Moss, so they all rush out to buy them so they too can resemble an intolerably skinny crack whore - yeah, that's a cool, individual look... Then Lily Allen launches a clothes range. Lily Allen?!?!? I like Lily's music, but is has she been around long enough to be famous enough to be behind a fashion range?!?! And again, who gives a smeg about buying something just because some money grubbing celeb sold out for some extra moolah? The cult of celeb is eroding 21st century civilisation and seems to devour many people's ability to function as individuals, turning them into mind-numbed sheep following directions.

Still, nothing new there, really - a glance at history shows many truly stupid people will follow any trend from the famous rather than make decisions themselves, even down to medical procedures (anesthetic wasn't trusted until Queen Victoria used it, then suddenly it was okay; cremation was mistrusted by god-fearing Victorians until nobility had used it). Why do so many folks so blindly follow trends set by the famous? Copy David Beckham's hair, wear clothes because some drug-fueled model sticks her name on them (shouldn't Moss be selling hankerchiefs for wiping coke off noses???) and in the process look like a million other idiots while shoving more of your small monies into the groaningly huge bank accounts of celebs. I do despair of people sometimes.