The story of the first Christmas

And thus it came to pass that the Lord did send forth a falling star to lead the Magi, the Three Wise Men, to the birthplace of the Son of God and Saviour of Mankind. Alas the falling star was caught and placed in someone's pocket who was determined it should never fade away.

And so the Lord did sent forth a second lone star to guide the Wise Men, but alas this was seized by a group of loud and quarrelsome people who would one day create the state of Texas.

Finally the Lord, at no inconsiderable expense, had to send forth a third start, making it pretty damned clear that he would not spring for a fourth to go forth, this was it. And this star appeared in the dark sky as a flaming torch to lead the way to the son of god and so it came to pass that the Magi were lead to their preordained destination, which pleased them much for they had no travel insurance and were voyaging on a budget and feared they could get no refund it they did not make the trip. Budget was all they could afford, having spent all their money on gold, frankincense and myrrh, which due to currency devaluation now cost even more than they had planned for. Alas, a few days after venerating the infant Jesus the Wise Men all died horribly of radiation poisoning brought on from such close proximity to the lethal output of a small star. Thus the Lord did decide that when the Second Coming was due he would invest in GPS and a decent Sat-Nav and perhaps just text the next set of Wise Men, assuming they hadn't been arrested and held without trial or charge because their Middle-Eastern appearance made them look suspicious.

Joseph, the cuckolded husband, did take his new infant stepson and his wife to the census decreed by the Roman authorities, passing the group of No2ID protestors. And the civil servant did ask him if truly he deserved the Job Seeker's Allowance and had he been actively seeking work while they asked his wife to bring forth the child's true father who was ordered to pay maintenance and admit responsibility before she could claim Child Benefit payments. And thus it was that Joseph was told to get on his donkey and look for a job, but lo the best paid carpentry jobs had all been taken by Polish immigrants and he was forced to take a position in Lidl.

Easter symbols

As we celebrate the festival of Easter (or the Pagan New Year) and the symbol of our Lord and Saviour who died so that we may have a good excuse to eat chocolate eggs I notice that the chocolate Jesus sculpture I mentioned last week didn't get exhibited when the gallery cravenly gave into the rabid cries of the Catholic church in America that it was insulting to them. Obviously the broke, tortured and mutilated Jesus they show in every one of their churches nailed to a cross is so much more tasteful. Assuming of course he was the Messiah and not just a very naughty boy.

And on the whole cross thing anyway, I am reminded of the wise words of another prophet who walked among humanity for a short time before being taken away, Saint Bill of Hicks, who observed sagely that should Jesus prove to the the son of God and actually come back as promised, you think he ever, ever wants to see another cross? "Christians wearing a crucifix is kinda like remembering JFK by wearing a rifle pendant..."