The International Flag Conspiracy

A number of people, watching ‘outraged’ Muslims burning Danish flags this last week (I use outraged advisedly since they were so outraged by Denmark they attacked EU buildings and American airbases, so a cynical person may think they just felt like having a good old riot about anything that came along) have asked the obvious question of where the hell did all these Danish flags appear from in Beirut, Tehran, Damascus and the fine desert oasis of Camelcrack?

The intrepid Woolamaloo team have been investigating and unearthed some startling conclusions. We think it is a conspiracy by the shadowy conglomerates behind the international flag industry. It runs from the local scale, such as the Beirut Flag, Petroluem and Matches wholesale company to the huge corporations who manufacture the world’s flags. Demand in the Middle East for the Stars and Stripes has exceeded all possible supplies since George W Bush’s re-election. However, the secretive international flag merchants have warehouses full of the national flags of many nations who have rarely, if ever, offended a Muslim (admittedly a list which is getting smaller every day almost, since it now looks almost as if talking about Islam being offended about something is actually offensive too…).

The flag conglomerates, working though political lobbyists, PR agents and media connections, in conjunction with their local Middle Eastern wholesalers, analyse their unsold flag reserve stock and compare it against countries unpopular in Muslim regions, before using their contacts to create a scenario which will soon embroil the country with the largest number of unsold flags to become the new target for the latest two minue hate. Sales of US and British flags have reached saturation point, plus they can’t keep up with demand, so now they can offload vast amounts of unsold Danish flags and grow new markets at the same time. Some major reference publishers and globe-makers who are controlled by the international flag conglomerate are also in on this, as fundamentalists worldwide require access to information on the flags of the world so they can order the correct flag to go with their matches and petrol.

Like all large conspiracies this may seem fantastical at first, but considering the world is in a ferment over a cartoon and George Bush suddenly can reveal about a dangerous terrorist attack thwarted by intelligence several years ago magically a couple of days after he came under attack for the illegal wiretaps on American citizens (which he totally denied previously, stating such taps could only happen with judicial oversight) and suddenly it becomes easier to believe.

Meantime it is a shame that Muslims are boycotting Danish goods and also forbidden from eating pork, as otherwise they could cook some great bacon sarnies over the burning flags and wash it down with some cool, refreshing Danish lager, make it a proper barbie, perhaps relax them a little. How few of these poor fundamentalists know that they are not being manipulated by angry Imans, Bin Liner, Areshole Hamza or the scripture of the Koran but by the secret cabal of international flag manufacturers?