SCOTTISH PARLIAMENT IN DISARRAY AFTER APATHY PARTY SWEEP TO VICTORY

The political foundations of Scottish democracy were shaken to its core after the election results for May 1st were counted. The ruling Labour party lost seats while the principal opposition, the Scottish Nationalists, bizarrely also lost seats. The Scottish Socialist Party and the Green Party jumped from being one-trick ponies to having a brace of MSPs each, plus four more independent MSPs took seats from the main parties. However, the biggest winner in the Scottish parliamentary and local government elections were the Apathy Party.

With a high – and we use the word advisedly – water mark of around 59% in a few areas and dipping to just under 40% in others a huge groundswell of support of the Apathists has carried them on and into government. So what are the policies of the Apathy Party? Unfortunately this is a mystery to even your intrepid investigators here at the Woolamaloo Gazette. Throughout the month-long campaign season the Apathy Party did not make a single statement, hold a single press conference or make a single electoral broadcast. In fact even the BBC’s Brian Taylor could not track down their spokesperson, party leader or even their office. Some say they don’t really exist, but the truth is that they just can’t be bothered turning up anywhere and certainly can’t be arsed to run the country.

This naturally leaves Scottish democracy in something of a quandary – either the election results favouring the Apathists by a vast majority are ignored in order to install a government that can at least turn up for work (although not necessarily do any better job than the absent Apathists), which would mean breaking the election rules. This would mean overturning a democratic election in a way not seen since Richard Nixon and Henry Kissinger arranged for President Allende to be overthrown or since Jeb Bush gave George Bush Florida. It could also lead to cries of electoral irregularities and could lead to Jimmy Carter coming in and kicking some parliamentary ass. The other option, to go with the proper result, leads to a governing party that has no policies and indeed no members who will bother to turn up at Holyrood. If this spreads to the rest of Britain by the next Westminster election we could have no leadership at all at any level, leading to Anarchy in the UK. Some argue that this is not so very different from the present system. Others have speculated that this may be an improvement and that a more apathetic Britain would be a kinder, gentler place (for starters we couldn’t be bothered to go bomb other nations).