SCOTTISH PARLIAMENTARY ELECTIONS – YOUR GUIDE TO THE PARTIES

May approaches and the various Scottish political parties are out on the road, banging drums and in some cases drumming bangs. Although only the second election to the revived Scottish parliament, the situation is already becoming confused, especially as voters have two votes to cast – one for a constituency MP and one proportional representative vote.

Your choices:

Labour, under Jack Furtive McConnell. Supposedly independent of the London office, in reality orders come direct from Lord Blair of Baghdad in Downing Street. So well worth a devolved parliament then.

Conservatives: a bunch of useless whining scunners with only a tiny amount of votes in the entire country. The only party to oppose the creation of a Scottish parliament – nuff said.

Scottish National Party. Still suffering from the loss of Alex Salmond as leader and replacement by John Swinney, possibly the blandest man in Scottish politics.

Liberal Democrats. Used to like these guys, but since they entered a power sharing arrangement with Labour they have been as easily contaminated by power as the main parties.

Scottish Socialist Party – basically Tommy Sheridan at the moment. Lots of old-fashioned left-wing bollocks which would never work, but at least he means what he says and is prepared to be arrested for his beliefs, which is more than most politicians would do.

The Greens – that nice Robin Harper chap. Less pollution, more hugs, tofu and multi-coloured Doctor Who style scarves for everyone. Voted for them last time, reckon I’d still go for them. Like the fact we have a green MSP, and hope the imminent Ang Lee Hulk movie increases awareness of green folk.

Scottish People’s Alliance: who the smeg are they? Does anyone care?