Pssstttt, guv – want to buy a peerage?

The Prime Minister attempted to curb media speculation over the incredibly obvious dontate or loan money to the Labour party and get yourself onto the Honours roll scandal today by doing away with secret loans and the entire shady backroom operations of fatcat businessmen who donate or secretly loan money to his party and then weeks later, by total coincidence, find their names put forward by Tony Blair for a peerage. To overcome this and create what the PM called a ‘transparent’ system from now on bids for peerage, knighthoods etc will be conducted publically in the new online auction site labourebay.gov.uk. This will at least end anonymous cold calling, when people are rung at home by Labour Party Call Centre officials and asked if they are interested in purchasing a place on the Honours roll, although in contrast to other forms of annoying cold calls at home the callers are looking for the respondents to offer them a low cost loan.

This approach had not been terribly successful and the Labour party thought on following many UK banks and others by outsourcing its cash for honours call centre operations to India, but it is thought the new auction site will be far more cost effective and, given the British people’s passion for bidding online it should be highly successful. Society and fashion mags are already predicting that bidding online for honours will be the birthday or anniversary present for spouses to buy each other. CBEs and OBEs are considered suitable for minor birthdays and other events, while a Knighthood or Damehood is what the loving husband or wife should give to each other on special occassions such as silver wedding anniversaries, with peerages for gold anniversaries. Mr Blair is thought to be pleased with this, seeing it as part of his attempt to give everyone (with money and who agrees with him) a chance to take part in the life of the nation.