The Meaning of Easter

As we relax into the first major holiday of the spring (except for our chums in the Southern hemisphere of course) and the re-greening of the country begins as the land gently stirs from it’s winter slumbers your friendly Gazette staff thought that they should, in-between stuffing their gobs with yummy choccy eggs, remind our dear readers of the true story of Easter.

Easter is, of course, the most sacred time to Chrisitans (that they knicked from the pagans) when they celebrate the death and resurrection of their messiah. But it is about far more than some man being nailed to a piece of wood you know. Cast your minds back, dear readers, some two thousand years (give or take). Jesus of Nazareth is a thirty-something who has, through a lot of hard work and travel built up a good reputation and a certain following.

Having dinner with his Disciples one evening they discuss how they overcome the plateau their movement seems to have grounded on – how do they reach a bigger audience, national and international? Yes, this is the first recorded director’s and shareholder’s AGM in history. It seems obvious to Judas that what their grass-roots movement has been succssful but it can only go so far, limited by it’s personal touch and word-of-mouth system. What they need, Judas reckons, is a proper PR campaign to take the movement to the next level.

With much cajoling Judas manages to persuade the other disciples/directors to stump up a PR budget of 30 pieces of silver. Top ad agency Red Sea Pedestrians are brought in to work with the team. They realise after some market research that the Christians need to do two things: first they need to reach out to a wider audience and secondly they need to engage more with the female demographic. All the disciples are male and this isn’t helping win over women in the Holy Land; most market surveys reveal that they see the nascent new movement as a yet another bunch of men wandering around the donkey trails talking when they should be doing some work and bringing in a few shekels to the household, chopping wood and mending that leaking oil lamp.

And so a greater emphasis is to be given to the women in the movement; threes are known to work well in PR so the three Maries are brought out to be the female face of the movement (the Holy Spice Girls of their day). For an international audience though something much bigger is needed. Entertaining conjuring tricks with fish and bread are all very well for the local papers, but to get international media coverage more is needed and so the idea of a great trial and martyrdom is born.

Every movement needs a successful logo and the crucifix is perfect – eye-catching, it comes with it’s own history, is easily recognised throughout the Empire by everyone and is simple to produce for the Holy Relics market. The public martyrdom of the Christ does indeed lead to massive publicity for the following. In a last-minute master-stroke the PR agency appeals to the bowling community (then the Holy Land’s favourite sport) by including a rolling rock on the resurrection from the tomb, linking Jesus with the ability to bowl the perfect game, even after death in the minds of millions of keen bowlers.

Within a few years people across the Roman Empire are wearing crucifixes, stores are selling ‘authentic’ replicas of the Spear of Destiny, bowlers are taking their game to a whole new level and Christianity would spread throughout the continents. So this Easter remember that those chocolate eggs symbolise something very important – go bowling and pray for a perfect strike. As the late, great Dave Allen used to put it, ‘go in peace and may your god go with you.’