My poor chum Stephanie and her girlfriend in Florida are beginning to get a little paranoid (welcome to my world) – third hurricane warning in as many weeks. I can see why that would really start to get at you, especially when one is rated a class 5, which is a technical way of saying ‘wrath of god’ I reckon. They’re still putting together the mess made from the last two hurricanes. Florida – hot sunshine, great amusement parks, amazing wildlife, great clubs. And hurricanes, sheriffs who wear mirror sunglasses and the normal compliment of gang-bangers (remember when that term used to mean something much nicer, like multiple shagging? Now it means a crew of disaffected Latinos fighting disaffected groups of inner-city coloured kids while the middle classes go and hide in gated communities). Makes you nostalgiac for dear old blighty, doesn’t it?
Anyway, we at the Gazette have been putting some thought into why Florida is being hit so much and we think we know why – it is punishment. The State of Florida is being punished by the universe/god/Fate (delete as applicable) for the karmic disaster which befell the world four years ago when Brother Jeb and that nice, unbiased Harris woman made sure Florida went Dubyah’s way. It’s karmic payback – you think it’s coincidence this is all happening only weeks from the presidential election? So, Floridians listen to us – to save yourselves and appease the Storm Gods you must take George and Jeb Bush and manacle them to the southernmost of the Keys at low tide and sacrifice them to return the cosmic balance they so badly upset. Come to think of it maybe you should throw in the rest of the Bush clan too. It will be kind of like the finale to Clash of the Titans, but not as cool and with no rescue. And if it doesn’t work and appease the Storm Gods at least it will give us all a laugh. Or you could try chucking Limbaugh after them. See if sharks can get high cholesterol from devouring a right-wing fat-arse.
And I need hardly remind you all that if Americans had taken the sensible course of action I advised them to four years ago during the whole chad-voting debacle and just got rid of both candidates and made me Emperor none of this would be happening. So there.