Fuck it all
Stuck in an incredibly unsatisfying job, every attempt to secure a new one shot down in a blaze of constant disappointment time after time, struggling endlessly with bills because of piss-poor pay and now I find out the girl I have a huge crush on has been going out with someone I used to work with for several weeks. The usual questions – why him? Why not me? What has he got that I haven’t? Why does thi happen so often? Does the universe enjoy torturing me by raising false hopes then shattering them?
Gee, ain’t life sweet? Looking around at existence – pointless, meaningless, empty, solitary – is this it? Is this all there is going to be? Is this all there is to look forward to? 30 or 40 more years of this rolling wave of depression and disillusion grinding you down until the end? Is it worth it? Is there any real point to it? No wonder so many people just give in and finish it, I know exactly how they feel. You try to tell yourself it will get better, but hell I told myself that years back and it hasn’t. Actually it has gotten worse. If this is all there is ever going to be I really don’t want it, I’m sick of it and the thought of decades more of it crushing down on what little hopes I have left is unbearable.
I try to remind myself of the words of the late Bill Hicks, “it’s just a ride – remember it’s just a ride.” I try the think on the all the things you have to be thankful for schtick, but it comes up way short. I’m tired of trying to make it better year after dreadful year, hoping it will get better when it never fucking does. I’m even sick of feeling this maudlin self-pitying bullshit too. I’m sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. Booze and self-mutilation don’t dull the pain. What is the cure for cancer of the soul?