Ned culture (surely a contradiction if ever there was?)

Rosie ‘Citizen’ Kane, newly elected Socialist MSP made another proud stand for the advancement of Scotland today when she took up parliamentary time to demand that the word ‘Ned’ be banned from use within the Scottish executive. This is not an anti-Flanders movement – for those unfamiliar with the term a Ned is a Scottish term used to describe a certain rather unsavoury type of character from the lower regions of our society.

Your average Ned will be covered in a shell suit – preferably Kappa – regardless of the weather. Baseball hats, especially Burberry ones (bizarrely) are highly prized, as is cheap and tacky gold jewellery and expensive sports shoes. No Ned is truly complete without his bottle of fortified wine and a packet of fags (fortunately these assist in keeping the Ned population manageable by killing them off at an early age – alas they breed at an even earlier age). The nasal whine, inability to communicate above the level of a mentally impaired four year old child and a posture which indicates the Ned has yet to fully master the rudiments of upright locomotion are all trademarks of the Ned (anthropological classification Homo Schemiescumitus Neddius).Those who still don’t believe in evolution – look upon the Ned, for he illustrates perfectly one of the much earlier, less evolved hominids than modern homo sapiens.

So should the term be banned because, as Red Rosie says, it is derogatory? Indeed not I say – in fact this section of our society requires more degrading. Rosie obviously hasn’t had to deal with these little Kappa-clad, foul-mouthed monsters coming into her bookstore and stealing Irvine Welsh books for someone to read to them and giving the bookseller torrents of abuse and threats.

I am prepared, in a conciliatory move, to use alternative terms however. Schemie scum is one I will gladly use. Poor White Trash, wee sleekit bastards, Cro-Magnon… Although the title I’d prefer for them is a series of numbers and letters – the type you are given in prison. When will the government see sense and simply arrest all the people who wear shell suits and Burberry baseball hats? We could cut crime by 60% over night. Meanwhile, Rosie, try getting on with doing some of the serious bloody work you were elected to do and stop arsing about defending these wee gobshites.